deplore: (Default)
♕ ([personal profile] deplore) wrote2012-12-23 11:43 pm


"to share & to love"
fandom: exo - chen/kai
rating: pg
length: ~2000
prompt: “Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.”— Bernard Meltzer
the first fic i have ever written chen or kai in aka 2000 words of me going "who r u 2" "i wrote jongdae instead of jongin again sigh" "i wrote jongin instead of jongdae again 6___9" "i wrote jongin instead of jongin ag - oh wait no that's right"

“Here,” Jongdae says, and smiles slightly as he hands over a small, colorful paper bag with a ribbon at the top. “A present for you.”

Jongin blinks a few times before he takes it. “Thanks, hyung,” he says, and rips into the packaging haphazardly, tearing off the top without untying the ribbon. Inside is a tiny, red lion on a keychain. He holds it up and takes a look at it - it’s something he got from a street stand, probably, but it has its own charm. Jongin decides he thinks it’s nice.

“You don’t have to use it or anything, but I thought it fit your image. Fierce, sexy Kai who’s actually a cute kid,” Jongdae teases, and laughs when Jongin makes a face in return.

Jongin can’t keep it up for long, though, and smiles. “No, I’ll use it,” he says. “I like it.”

“Good,” Jongdae replies, and grins. “I’ll bring you back more the next time, then.”

To be honest, Jongin doesn’t really expect Jongdae to keep his word but every time he comes back from China from then on out, Jongdae comes back with a different present in tow. Sometimes they’re trinkets, things that he probably got for cheap, like paper cuttings or decorative knots or protective wards, but other times they’re paper kites or calligraphic scrolls or rolls of silk: beautiful, and probably as costly as they are lovely. Jongdae never mentions prices, though, and Jongin never asks.

“You don’t have to get us all this stuff, you know,” Jongin tells him every time, even though his attempts to hide the delight he feels from receiving the gifts are utterly transparent.

“Happiness is meant to be shared, you know,” Jongdae replies. “China’s a lot of fun, and I have a good time, but you don’t get to go - so I thought it’d be nice to bring a little back to you.”

Once, he brings Jongin a jade bracelet and Jongin almost turns it down because it looks too nice, too expensive for him to be able to casually accept, but Jongdae laughs cheerfully and insists, “You can’t turn down a gift, you know, that’s rude,” and makes Jongin hold his wrist out as he puts it on.

As usual, he says, “You don’t have to use it, if you don’t want to” - but, somehow, Jongin always does.

- - -

It’s Exo-M’s third time promoting in China in four months, and Jongin has to wonder if the days always went by this slowly. He occupies his time in the dance studio, teasing Sehun, pulling pranks with Chanyeol in an attempt to see who can get Joonmyun to literally tear his hair out in anguish first, and sneaking over to SHINee’s practices to hang out with Taemin, but even all of that isn’t enough to distract him from the pressing feeling of something missing.

“You know, it’s Sehun’s job to moon over how much he misses Exo-M when they’re off in China, not yours,” Baekhyun says. “He’s the one with the whole star-crossed-lovers long-distance-relationship fanservice thing going for him and all that.”

“You miss them too,” Jongin replies, not yet willing to admit that his loneliness might be of a different sort than everybody else’s, and certainly not to Baekhyun.

Baekhyun sighs. “I miss Zitao,” he says. “Zitao is my only good dongsaeng, you know that?”

“I’m a good dongsaeng too,” Jongin insists.

“Joonmyun hyung is about two centimeters away from breaking down because of you and Chanyeol,” Baekhyun informs him matter-of-factly. “You are the worst dongsaeng, and that’s saying something, because Sehun is included in that category too.”

Jongin takes it as a compliment, and tries to not preen a little.

- - -

“That’s a nice bracelet,” Kyungsoo says one morning, as they both get ready for the day.

Jongin looks up and replies, “Huh? - Oh, yeah. I like it, too,” and unconsciously reaches to rub at it a little. He’s been wearing it often recently, almost every day, because it leaves a cool, reassuring weight at his wrist.

“A gift?” Kyungsoo asks, and Jongin thinks that maybe the way he asks it is a little too sharp, like there’s something deeper he’s thinking about.

But Jongin can’t tell what’s going on in Kyungsoo’s head, so he just shrugs and answers, “Yeah.”

Kyungsoo nods. “You know, Lu Han was telling me before that people in China believe that if you wear a jade bracelet, it reflects your current state of being. So if the jade looks bright and clear, it means that you’re happy and healthy, but if it starts getting dull, then there might be something wrong.”

“Oh,” says Jongin, trying his best to pretend to be interested. “I didn’t know that.”

“So, I think, whoever gave it to you must want you to take care of yourself,” Kyungsoo says, “and to be happy.”

The memory of Jongdae telling him happiness is meant to be shared, you know echos in his mind. “I guess so,” Jongin says, and wonders vaguely what Jongdae was thinking when he bought the bracelet.

- - -

Another day, another eight hours in the practice rooms. This time, he and Sehun decide to run through their routines together, which is why Sehun comes to his room far too early in the morning, dragging his gym bag behind him.

“Where do you even get all this junk from, anyway?” Sehun asks him as he tries to find a place to sit and wait while Jongin finishes getting his things together.

“S’not junk,” Jongin says automatically. “And don’t you get it too? Jongdae hyung brings stuff with him, when Exo-M comes back from China.”

Sehun stares at him for a few moments. His expression is even more unimpressed than usual. “Why would Jongdae hyung bring me back stuff?” he asks, in a tone that says Jongin, you’re an actual full-blooded idiot. “Not even Lu Han hyung brings me this many presents. Or, like, any presents at all, really.”

The gears in his head start to turn, but it doesn’t quite click yet. It’s not until four hours later, when he and Sehun have run themselves exhausted and are just about to break for lunch that things come together. The realization is so sudden and so profound that he stops in the middle of the dance without even thinking about it, and Sehun nearly runs right into him.

Oh,” he says, and stares at his reflection in the mirrors that line the practice room. The Jongin he sees looking back at him has eyes full of hope and terror - it’s the same look that he’s seen before, when Taemin once confided in him there’s somebody I like, but you have to keep it a secret.

At his side, Sehun puts a hand on his shoulder and says - not unsympathetically, for once - “It’s about time, isn’t it?”

Jongin wants to get angry at him, but he can’t, because it’s true.

- - -

At night, Jongin lies awake and wonders to himself what the part of him that is Kai would do in this situation, but he can’t tap into the flow of thought that he puts himself in when he slips into his stage persona no matter how hard he tries. It;’s probably because, he thinks, Kai is cold and arrogant and untouchable - Kai wouldn’t fall in love, but Jongin would, and even though he has not felt like a child in a long time the idea of being in love makes him feel young and confused.

It’s not that he likes Jongdae because he likes the gifts - well, he does have to admit to himself he thoroughly likes all the gifts, but he could do without them, and he thinks he would actually feel better if Jongdae didn’t insist on getting him all these things because they must cost money, and none of them have that much of an allowance to begin with. It’s more that he likes that Jongdae must think of him when they are apart and wonder to himself would Jongin like this? as he walks down the streets of China in his spare time, looking for the next present to bring back. He likes that Jongdae still remembers him when they are thousands of miles apart, because Jongin finds himself unconsciously wondering about him and it is reassuring to know that the feeling must be mutual - or, at least, he hopes it is.

He frowns and rolls over in his bed. “This is dumb,” he says aloud to the ceiling. On the other side of the room, Kyungsoo does not stir.

- - -

Four days until Exo-M returns, and Jongin is relieved, because Exo-K finally starts up promotions again - this time, another sponsorship for some product that none of them actually care about. He keeps himself occupied preparing for the photoshoot and convinces himself that he is not running away from the problem.

“There is literally no problem,” Sehun insists, demonstrating his irritating ability to say exactly what Jongin wishes he would just keep to himself. “He likes you too, or he wouldn’t buy you all this stuff. You are so obtuse, it’s ridiculous.”

Jongin is glad that Sehun being a brat is a constant across all situations, because he can always find a good distraction by doing his best to annoy Sehun as much as he possibly can in return.

- - -

“Here,” Jongdae says, smiling as usual as he hands over his latest present. This time it is something small, and when Jongin opens the paper package, out slides a coin. It’s not one that Jongin has ever seen before - he’s used Chinese money before, and while the characters on it look right, the design is unfamiliar to him.

“It’s an ancient Chinese coin,” Jongdae explains. “Apparently, they’re good luck. And if you hang one in your room, it’s supposed to bring prosperity to you, or something like that.”

“Thanks, hyung,” he says, holding it up to take a better look at it - there is a hole in the center, and he thinks maybe if he got a nice string he could make a necklace out of it. He smiles, and Jongdae returns the gesture with a grin. There is a moment of hesitation, but Jongin resists the urge to look down or run away, and he says, “I have something for you, too. Can you close your eyes?”

“This isn’t a hidden camera, is it?” Jongdae asks, but he smiles as he closes his eyes.

Jongin takes a deep breath and pushes aside all his hesitations, like he does when he’s Kai, dancing up on stage, confident and careless, except right now he’s Jongin - full of human fears and emotions and longings. He leans in, eyes squeezed shut, and presses his lips to Jongdae’s: for a second, he can feel Jongdae’s eyelids flutter against his own but they stay closed. It only lasts a few seconds but just that much leaves Jongin a little breathless and he pulls away so soon that he feels disappointed, because Jongdae’s lips are smooth and warm and nice.

“Oh,” says Jongdae, and licks his lips self-consciously.

“Yeah,” Jongin replies, and tries very hard not to avoid Jongdae’s gaze.

But Jongdae smiles, and Jongin is used to seeing a mischievous grin on his face but this one softer than usual. “I was hoping you would get the message eventually,” Jongdae says, and Jongin has to fight the urge to shout in relief, because it feels like there is something in his chest that is glowing so brightly that he feels like he might explode, and it is a good feeling.

“Welcome back,” Jongin says, and Jongdae laughs, high and clear. Jongin thinks to himself that this is exactly the kind of happiness that he wants to share with Jongdae from now on.

- - -

"the past and the present (night and day)"
fandom: infinite - hoya/dongwoo (side hoya/sunggyu)
rating: pg-13
length: ~1500
prompt: "hoya/dongwoo. a night of sharing where they talks about their past relationships"
proving i am literally incapable of writing infinite fic without inserting my favorite hipster ship in every time. i tried writing in a different style but i don't know that it was particularly effective...

The first girl that Dongwoo fell in love with, he tells Hoya, was without a doubt the most beautiful person that he has ever known. It was not simply that she was pretty, he explains, it was that she had a wonderful soul - kind and humble and devoted and caring.

There is a rational part in Dongwoo’s mind which understand that he is, in truth, looking back upon his past with rose-tinted glasses, but he willfully chooses not to believe that voice. Hoya can perceive this clearly, but doesn’t say anything. Instead, he asks if he ever asked her out.

Dongwoo shakes his head heavily, as if there are a thousand pounds of regret pressing down on the back of his neck. He was scared, he admits, scared that she would say no, and that he would no longer think she was so beautiful anymore - if she said no, he was afraid that he would no longer be able to see her goodness anymore, because he did not want look at her with hateful eyes and have that beauty of hers clouded by his own emotions.

Hoya does not think that Dongwoo would have become like that - he thinks Dongwoo’s soul is clear and bright, too. It wouldn’t have been that way, he says. Dongwoo smiles and thanks him, but there is a look in his eyes that tells Hoya that he doubts still doubts himself.

For Hoya, there had been a girl next door. She had not been very pretty but she was not ugly either - her face was round and her cheekbones high, so that she looked a few years younger than she actually was. She worked hard in school, did her chores obediently, and learned all the things she would need to be a good wife and admirable mother. You’d do well to marry her, his parents had said over and over again - Hoya had shrugged and agreed, because this was when he had not yet found his voice.

High school came, and he dated other girls, but he had tried his best to hide that from her. They went to different schools, so it shouldn’t have been that hard, he recalls. Dongwoo wonders, hesitantly, why he wanted to hide it so badly. Hoya doesn’t know. Maybe he didn’t want to hurt her. Maybe he wanted to be selfish.

If it had been a movie, Hoya thinks, here is how it would have gone: he would have had any number of relationships, none of them satisfying, none of them that lasted, until one day when he looked over and realized that this girl was beautiful. He would think to himself, why didn’t I see it before? and he would have gone downstairs, walked up to her doorstep, and rang the doorbell. Go out with me, he would have said when she answered the door. I like you. I’m sorry for making you wait. I like you.

She would have smiled. He would kiss her cheek. Ten years later, they get married. Happily ever after.

The thoughts never come to him, he admits to Dongwoo. The epiphany never happens, but he decides to try anyway: he steels up his nerves and goes up to her and asks her to be his girlfriend. The end.

Instead, she smiles but it is a sad smile. Oppa, I know you don’t like me that way, she says. I like you a lot, oppa, but I can’t go out with you if you don’t like me too or you’ll break my heart again and again and I’ll never be able to leave you because I won’t be able to stop liking you. Thank you for noticing me, Hoya oppa. You already made me feel like the prettiest girl in the world today. But you can’t do this.

She was a smart girl, Hoya says. She was too good. A year later he runs away from home and he realizes that she saw that this would happen far before he did, and he is glad that she was better at protecting her heart than he was at breaking it.

The last girl that Dongwoo dated was a dancer who had long, graceful limbs. He liked her legs the best, liked the way that they looked when she lifted one up for a pirouette. She was the first girl whose heart he ever broke, and the last girl who broke his heart, because her head was full of worries and practicality but his heart was full of dreams and he should have known that the day she quit dancing and got an office job was the day destiny changed its path and started leading towards their end.

Please quit too, she’d pleaded, quit because our time to be free is already done, we chased our hopes but now it’s time to stop and settle down. Don’t audition, she’d begged him, even if you get accepted they’ll just take your best years and you’ll never debut. I love you, please stay, she’d told him (and now he tells Hoya, with a tone so detached that Hoya understands how deeply it must still hurt) but he had said no.

Then let’s break up, she had said, one desperate, final attempt to get him to turn back. Then let’s break up, he had replied. Looking back, it wasn’t what he had wanted to say, and he tells Hoya that he doesn’t think it’s what she had wanted to say either.

The feeling of breaking another person’s heart, Dongwoo explains, in a tone that is tender and raw, feels much like breaking your own. Hoya is silent and does not ask if he regrets it, because there are some what ifs that haunt everybody until the day they die.

Hoya has dated Sunggyu four times: the first for two weeks, the second four hours, the third nearly seven months, and the last five days. As he lists off each time, Dongwoo makes a face like he’s caught between being terrified and being amused. Honestly, Hoya can’t blame him.

Dongwoo is the only one who knows besides the two of them involved in the relationship, Hoya says, and it is only because he trusts Dongwoo to keep it a secret that he can say it here and now.

That makes perfect sense, of course, because there are so many possible problems that Dongwoo can see in this relationship that if it were him he would be too scared to tell anybody as well. He promises to keep it a secret and Hoya offers him a half-smile in return.

Hesitantly, Dongwoo asks if Hoya is, perhaps, gay, and Hoya thinks about it for a few moments before he replies that he is who he is and he dates who he likes. Dongwoo understands this, and nods his head.

Even though Dongwoo doesn’t say anything more, Hoya can tell that he wants to ask why did you two break up? why did you keep getting back together? so he explains himself, explains how they had known each other since before the rest of Infinite were even in the picture, and that it was simply a matter of coincidence that it would end up that way, because they were both lonely and tired and desperate all the time and both of them knew that the other was like that too.

But things are different now, Hoya says. That is already in the past. He does not know if it will be a part of the future. To tell the truth, he thinks it probably won’t. Things have already changed. Coincidences that happen too often aren’t coincidence anymore.

Dongwoo wants to know if there is anything surprising about Sunggyu, as a boyfriend. Hoya laughs and says that he thinks that the way Sunggyu kisses a person would surprise everybody. He does not elaborate on what he means, and Dongwoo thinks that maybe that is for the best.

There is somebody that I like right now, Dongwoo says.

Hoya smiles slightly. Is that so? he asks. There is somebody he likes too.

This is how it works between them: they confess to each other their secrets at night with the silent understanding that in the morning, it is nothing but something that they dreamed up in their sleep. What happens in their heads at night is detached from reality - dragging it into the daylight would be unseemly.

“Good morning,” Hoya says, reaching over to shake at Dongwoo’s shoulder. “Wake up, hyung.”

Dongwoo yawns and stretches his limbs out before he opens his eyes. “Good morning,” he replies, and smiles.

[identity profile] 2013-01-03 10:38 am (UTC)(link)
on 'the past and the present (night and day)':

this warmed my heart. it's sweet yet sad yet... hopeful, in a way? the why of it is hard to describe, but i always love the way you write hoya. and your a/n, what are you saying, hogyu is one of the greatest hipster ships. i also think the style experimentation was a success: perhaps it might not be sustainable for a longer story, but it worked well for several of my favourite lines/segments:

Instead, she smiles but it is a sad smile. Oppa, I know you don’t like me that way, she says. I like you a lot, oppa, but I can’t go out with you if you don’t like me too or you’ll break my heart again and again and I’ll never be able to leave you because I won’t be able to stop liking you. Thank you for noticing me, Hoya oppa. You already made me feel like the prettiest girl in the world today. But you can’t do this.
there's something i really like about the first line. beauty in simplicity, i suppose?

There is somebody that I like right now, Dongwoo says.
Hoya smiles slightly. Is that so? he asks. There is somebody he likes too.

;~~~; jeez yadong you never give me shipping feelings why are you giving me feelings

What happens in their heads at night is detached from reality - dragging it into the daylight would be unseemly.
this description is strikingly interesting and original and beautiful idek

thank you for such a lovely read ♥

[identity profile] 2013-01-04 10:11 pm (UTC)(link)
oh wow, first of all, thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this! ;~~; i apologize beforehand if my reply is lacking in any way /o\

re: the style, i think you're right - if it were longer, it seems like it would have been more messy than anything else. and it's my dream that hogyu will come out of hipsterdom someday ヽ(;▽;)ノ thank you so much for reading and for your kind words! ♥ i'm glad that you enjoyed it!

[identity profile] 2013-01-06 09:03 am (UTC)(link)
teehee. i don't mind at all; rambling is just an unfortunate tendency of mine. and if hogyu becoming mainstream is your dream, let me enable you? kekeke. they were so great on weekly idol together, i love them ;~;

[identity profile] 2013-01-08 12:08 am (UTC)(link)
omfg, i know right? that weekly idol episode slayed me ;___; they can't do that on public television or i'll blush and assume things /o\

[identity profile] 2013-01-08 04:03 am (UTC)(link)
but maybe hoya wants you to assume things about their sex life

[identity profile] 2013-01-08 04:35 am (UTC)(link)
if he wants me to assume that they are having a lot of it and that it's really good and maybe kind of kinky sometimes?? then how can i possibly resist? :')

[identity profile] 2013-01-08 05:07 am (UTC)(link)
well, if you consider how gyu's stage gear has been black leather and tight shirts and vaguely bdsm-inspired since paradise-era....

[identity profile] 2013-01-08 06:00 am (UTC)(link)
unf yes @ the idea of kinky backstage goings-on *u*

[identity profile] 2013-01-08 06:26 am (UTC)(link)
i wonder how hoya reacted to this (

[identity profile] 2013-01-11 01:53 am (UTC)(link)
if it were anything like how i did, i would be okay with that (;▽;)

[identity profile] 2013-01-14 06:06 am (UTC)(link)
did it involve lots of ugly noises (no not like that for once) because... can you imagine? 8')

a fangirling hoya... heuheuheu yes, i would be okay with that, too.

[identity profile] 2013-01-15 01:26 am (UTC)(link)
there may have also been a "w....HY DO YOU DO THIS /face in hands" thrown in there at some point, too Q___Q

hoya fangirling for sunggyu solo promos and sunggyu fangirling for h promos ♡

[identity profile] 2013-01-15 08:46 am (UTC)(link)
meanwhile: where is dongwoo???

i'm calling plane shenanigans.