i hate camera
“Look, everybody, I don’t think they’re good haircuts either,” Suho says, a tinge of desperation in his tone. “But somebody has to bite the bullet, okay? Just... I don’t know, just think of it as taking one for the team.”
“Hyung, you’re the leader, aren’t you? Leaders should make sacrifices for the rest of the team, or whatever,” Jongin says.
Suho restrains the urge to put his palms against Jongin’s throat and squeeze, if only because Jongin is out of the picture their dancing ability will go down by a factor of at least ten, and the ratio of “members who can have shirtless photoshoots” to “members who cannot have shirtless photoshoots” will drop to a measly zero. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and counts backwards from ten mentally.
As he gets to five, he can hear Baekhyun nudging Sehun in the side and whispering, “He’s doing it again. The counting thing.” Suho tries his best to ignore it.
Finally, he opens his eyes again. “Okay,” he says. “I can see we won’t be able to come to a decision right now. That’s fine. We’ll figure it out later, then.”
Suho tries to shake off the voice in the back of his head that is telling him you just signed your own hairstyling death wish, because there are many things that he has endured for the sake of EXO but even he doesn’t think he can go through with doing that to himself.
He starts trying to think of an elaborate scheme to get the some other member to get the damn haircut. After two hours of lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, he thinks to himself, screw it, abandons all pretense at subtlety, and decides to resort to good old-fashioned blackmail.
“Sehun,” Suho says.
Sehun does not look up.
“Hey. Sehun,” Suho tries again.
Still no response.
Suho walks over and waves his hand in front of Sehun’s face, who pulls a pair of earbuds out and looks up blankly. “Did you want something, hyung?” he asks.
“Sehun,” he says, attempting to use his best voice of authority, “you’re going to get that haircut, right?”
For a few moments, Sehun just stares at Suho with that I’m totally judging you right now expression. Suho visualizes himself wiping that look off of Sehun’s face, immediately chastises himself for thinking such a thing, and plasters a smile on his face. “No way,” Sehun says.
“I didn’t want for it to come to this, but... you know, I happened to get some information on you before you were a trainee.” Suho pauses, because he read in one of his self-help books that pausing meaningfully increases tension. “It would be a real pity if that information... happened to get leaked?”
For a few moments, he thinks that maybe he has succeeded, but then Sehun snorts and says, “Hyung. They already found the poem I wrote about milk in elementary school. It literally does not get any more embarrassing than that.”
Suho’s face folds. “Nice try, though,” Sehun goes on, putting his earbuds back in. “I almost believed you actually did have some kind of dirt on me for a second there.”
“Dammit,” Suho mutters to himself as he retreats back to his bedroom. “How did he know?”
“Jongin,” Suho says. “You’re going to get that haircut. I’ll force you in any way I have to.”
“I absolutely refuse,” Jongin replies immediately.
“I’ll make you. I know all sorts of compromising stuff about you, you know. Stuff that your fangirls would go crazy if they knew about, I bet.” For once, Suho is actually confident in himself, because he actually does know some dirt on Jongin.
“You do that and I won’t flash my abs for anything for the next year. Not for photoshoots. Not on concert stages. Definitely not for any music videos.” A pause. “No. Make that a year and a half.”
Suho stares at him for a few moments. “Did I just get reverse blackmailed?” he wonders aloud.
Jongin just smirks. Suho has to restrain that urge to strangle him again.
“Kyungsoo, can we talk?” Suho asks, trying to sound as serious as possible.
Kyungsoo immediately looks up from his book, biting his lip slightly. “Is there something wrong, hyung?” he replies.
“Well... yes, sort of,” Suho says.
“It’s not about the haircut, right, is it? Because it’ll grow out in a few weeks, I’m sure,” Kyungsoo says. He looks genuinely worried. Knowing him, he probably is genuinely really worried, too. Suho’s conscious kicks into overdrive and starts yelling at him to not be such a jerk, dammit, you can throw the rest of the members to the wolves but Do Kyungsoo is legitimately too good a human being to do that to.
“Yeah, you’re right,” he says slowly. “Never mind. It’s not a big deal anyway.”
Kyungsoo smiles and pats him on the shoulder lightly. “You’re a good leader, hyung,” he says. “Everybody thinks so, you know.”
Normally, a compliment like that would have left him on cloud nine for hours, but under these circumstances, he just sighs and glumly replies, “Yeah, okay. Whatever.”
(That night, though, Kyungsoo orders out to Suho’s favorite restaurant for dinner, so he supposes not all is lost on that one.)
When Suho attempts to coerce Baekhyun, his first response is to burst out laughing. “Nice try, hyung, but I’m spotless and you know it,” Baekhyun says.
“Everybody has something to hide,” Suho replies.
“Hyung, you’re not a very good bluffer.”
“I really do have something on you!”
Baekhyun raises an eyebrow. “Okay, then. Tell me what you’ve got on me.”
“Well,” Suho says. “In high school, you know.”
“Yes?” Baekhyun says. His patient tone makes Suho want to push Baekhyun into a paved road. Preferably when there are a lot of cars around. He shakes his head and reminds himself that he is not a sociopath and should try to not think like one.
“With... your friend... in the other class...” Suho attempts.
“Hyung,” says Baekhyun. “Please stop here, for both of our sakes.”
Suho scowls and crosses his arms petulantly. “Can’t you just do it anyway?” he asks.
“No way in hell,” Baekhyun replies cheerfully.
The problem with blackmailing Chanyeol, Suho finds, is that Chanyeol is either incapable of understanding that he is being blackmailed or that he is extremely good at playing dumb.
“I don’t understand, hyung,” Chanyeol says, furrowing his brow. “Why are we releasing predebut photos? I thought the company didn’t like it that much when stuff like that gets leaked.”
“Yes, you’re right. They don’t. That’s why you can’t let it happen,” Suho replies. He is pretty sure he has already messed this one up, but he is too persistent to let it go so quickly.
“Then you could just not, right? Not put them out?”
“I’ll only do that,” Suho says, “if you agree to get the haircut.”
Chanyeol frowns. “That makes no sense. Did you know that?”
“Well,” Suho says. There is a rather long pause, but it’s not meant to be a meaningful one. He just has no idea what to reply with. “It’s... it’s just what it is, okay?”
“And also, I could just tell the managers you were the one who put them out and then I think they would be kind of mad at you.”
Suho has to admit that he did not think of that. Chanyeol goes on: “It’s okay, hyung, we know you’re a little traumatized by having to get that hairstyle and all, so you’re probably not thinking straight. I would be the same way too, in your position.”
Chanyeol attempts to hug Suho, probably to show his sympathies, but Suho wriggles free and escapes immediately.
Suho decides to give up and give in to his fate. That weekend - one of the few that they have free - he mopes in his room for the entire morning and a generous portion of the afternoon before he finally unlocking his door in an attempt to rejoin civilization. The dorm is quiet, so he figures there’s nobody around, and therefore, there will be nobody to judge him when he eats all the sweets in the kitchen. As he makes his to the pantry, though, he hears voices in the living room, so he takes a detour to see who’s there.
He is almost immediately traumatized by the sight of Baekhyun and Jongin on the couch with their hands down each others’ pants and springs away away with a sprightliness he had no idea he had in him. Thankfully, though, Baekhyun and Jongin seem too distracted to have noticed him. He slumps against the hallway wall and attempts to forcibly remove the memory from his mind - but then, an idea comes to mind.
He pats his pants pockets for his cell phone, and after finding it, he takes it out and carefully rounds the corner. Cautiously, he sticks his phone out and adjusts his position so that the pair are right in the middle of his viewfinder, and there are no questions about what they’re doing. It is a much harder task it really should be, because every time one of them moans he nearly drops his phone. He grits his teeth, reminds himself that enduring this for a few minutes will be much better than having to endure that stupid haircut for months, and finally manages to position himself to snap a few photos.
There is a surge of wild happiness that runs through him, and without thinking he barges into the living room. “Ha,” he says triumphantly, flourishing the images of the two of them on his cell phone screen at Baekhyun and Jongin. He feels immensely satisfied at the deer-in-the-headlights look both of them have as they immediately disengage and scoot to opposite ends of the coach.
“The tables have turned now, haven’t they?” Suho laughs a little, and he doesn’t even care that he sounds mildly deranged. “You know what I think? I think that at our next group meeting, you two are going to very thoughtfully decide to get those two godawful hairstyles. For the good of the whole group, of course.”
Jongin looks like he doesn’t know if he is terrified or wants to rip Suho’s jugular out with his teeth. Baekhyun, though, is a little quicker on the uptake: “Okay,” he says.
“Okay?” Jongin echoes, turning to stare at Baekhyun in a way that clearly says are you crazy.
In response, Baekhyun elbows him in the ribs. “We’ll do it,” he says. “But then you delete those photos afterwards. And no backing them up. And delete all of them. Deal?”
“Deal,” Suho says, a sort of mad glee in his tone, before sticking his chest out a little and proudly walking down the hall back to his room.
From the living room, he can hear Jongin say, “Oh my god, Suho hyung is literally the ultimate boner killer,” but he is so satisfied that he doesn’t even feel like punching Jongin a little bit.
“So, last time, we didn’t quite get the issue of who will get... those particular hairstyles done,” Suho says, restraining the urge to smirk.
“Give it up, hyung, there’s no way anybody is going to agree to get those,” Sehun says.
There is a moment of silence before Jongin raises his hand stiffly. “I’ll do it,” he says. He sounds a little dead inside.
“Fine. I’ll take the other one, then,” Baekhyun says. Suho can tell he is trying his best to not look in utter despair with the world. He can tell because it is a look he is intimately familiar with.
Suho smiles graciously, ignoring the looks of disbelief from Kyungsoo, Chanyeol, and Sehun. “Baekhyun-ah, Jongin-ah, you two are doing a great service to the rest of us,” he says. “Thank you very much.”
fandom: exo, suho-centric, kaibaek
written for seoulfulness, originally posted here, this has minor edits.
various meme mini-fics
myungsoo is a better ghost than he ever was a boyfriend, sungyeol reflects to himself, because myungsoo still lingers in his head even though it’s been almost three weeks since they’ve broken up. he tries to remind himself of all the things that he hated, like how myungsoo could only see the world through his viewfinder or that his internal clock perpetually ran five minutes slow. he tries to think about how tired he was, of looking up and seeing a camera when he really wanted to see myungsoo’s face, or of all the collected time he spent sitting alone in coffee shops staring out windows.
instead, he thinks about the way myungsoo would sigh when they kissed. he thinks about the way that myungsoo would rub his wrist affectionately whenever he sensed sungyeol starting to get annoyed. he thinks about the way myungsoo’s lips curl when he smiles. in the back of his mind he is certain that myungsoo would take him back if he asked, and he hates himself a little for even considering it.
kris puts his hand down next to tao’s, just close enough so their pinkies almost overlap. tao imagines that it is kris’s quiet way of encouraging him, of reassuring him that he is not alone. he knows he is making too much of it, but that doesn’t stop his heart from beating a little louder.
When Sungmin walks into their apartment with an unreadable expression on his face, Kyuhyun knows that today is the day that he will get his comeuppance.
“Kyuhyun,” Sungmin asks, voice unusually terse, “did you know that Ryeowook is not a girl when you introduced us to each other?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kyuhyun says, trying desperately to hide a smirk behind the book he’s reading.
“Kyuhyun. Were you the one who told him that I’m a girl?”
“In fairness, hyung, mistaking you for a girl is a totally legitimate mistake.”
Sungmin is practically glowering with anger, and Kyuhyun would be scared if it weren’t for the fact that he is cackling with glee on the inside. “Kyuhyun,” Sungmin says, “is it your fault that both of us thought we were dating a girl for a whole three months.”
“Well... maybe,” Kyuhyun admits, keeping his face straight for all of three seconds before he doubles over and positively shudders with laughter. When he finally manages to regain his composure, he is a little afraid that Sungmin is going to punch him for a moment, but instead, Sungmin frowns and crosses his arms before locking himself into his bedroom.
All-in-all, Kyuhyun thinks, well-played. Very well-played.
Three days later, he has to reassess his prognosis when he finds a note written by Sungmin in his room: “Hey, Kyuhyun. I decided I was overreacting a little before. Since you were the one who set us up, you don’t mind that Ryeowook and I had sex on your bed, right?” with a disgusting amount of hearts afterwards.
A scream rips through the apartment. In the living room, Ryeowook snuggles a little closer into Sungmin’s arms as they exchange smirks.
fandoms: exo (taoris), infinite (myungyeol), super junior (minwook)
various things i did anon. please don't take them seriously haha. two were originally posted here for a 15 minute challenge and idek where the third one is originally but i remember anons linking to a yahooanswers about a guy having a crisis in which he discovered his girlfriend was his boyfriend and the other person thought he was a girl. so anons suggested minwook for the situation and i was like lol ok and took it too seriously
|“Unf,” says Chen as he clicks the upload button. “Look at that glorious butt. Look at those thunder thighs. The fangirls are gonna go crazy. Hell, even I’m going a little crazy right now.”|
“You know, I’m still not entirely sure that this is an okay thing for us to do,” Xiumin says, even as he’s putting his SD card back into his digital camera. “I mean, as nice as Tao's ass is, he’s still our bandmate and we’re kinda violating his privacy.”
“Who cares about morals? We’re gonna be so Tumblr famous after this.” And then Chen laughs a little as he submits a post (“a photoset dedicated to EXO’s loveliest ass and thighs ♥”) and waits for the notes to come rolling in.
the only necessary information about this is that in my gdrive it's titled "haha BUTTS" and it's about chen (and xiumin by proxy) on tumblr :3
(prompt: Chen/Xiumin/Tao. "The two of them running the Official Korean Fanclub for Tao's Butt and Thighs.")